Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Quittin' Time

I made a big decision today. A little humiliating given all my big talk of trusting God and pushing myself past my comfort zone. I quit. I quit something I thought was going to be best for my family and the next step in recovering from years of health related crisis. I was wrong. So I quit. It's tough to admit one's failings. I have spent years trying to overcompensate for mine. I have also been one to make excuses for the lack in my life. But I usually never quit. Ask my family. When I was in a wheelchair after a near fatal car accident I learned to still do things I loved to do and the things I couldn't do anymore I replaced with other things. Sure I cried and carried on occasionally, but most observing me would have been surprised to know it. During the four years I spent in college I suffered that car accident, went into congestive heart failure, was diagnosed with diabetes, had a miscarriage, had an adoption attempt fail, taught school full time and adopted a baby. I graduated from college suma cum Laud....I only stopped going to school after adopting our little boy. Some things are that important. We pastored tough churches...only leaving when we had no other choice but knowing we had to make different decisions for ourselves. I still left feeling like we had left things undone. What I am trying to express is that I don't quit easily...I will not even try something because I recognize my tendency to hang on to it like a bull dog. But today I quit. And guess what. I needed to quit. I needed to surrender my lack and my need to the Lord...I needed to give up and realize that it is okay to release control. Isn't it always sad how we can hold onto an idea or an attitude for so long? I suppose I needed to try just to find out that it is okay to fail myself...just as long as I remember that God never fails me. So here sits a happy quitter. One day I will talk about this whole strange few weeks of my life. But not know...Iam just going to coast for awhile...and grateful that God has things figured out. I'm tired of trying to do things my way.


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