Saturday, November 17, 2007

There Will Be A $5.00 Charge For Whining

I have a tin sign sitting on a hutch in my dining room. It says, "There Will Be a $5.00 Charge For Whining." I fully intend on making it a household policy when my little boy gets old enough to count change. Late one night, I was suffering from a little insomnia. I got up, wandered into the living room and began flipping through the television channels. Other than the infomercials, an old television classic rerun and a cops and robbers movie, the news seemed to be the only thing going. As I watched, I grew agitated. The airwaves seemed to be full of talking heads and pundits who get paid to sit around and whine about everything from illegal immigration to the price of a gallon of milk? Do these folks sit around and think of things to fuss about just for a little TV time? That got me thinking. If everyone has jumped on the “whining with a cause” bandwagon I have a few things I would like to bring up.
Number 1. Why is it that the bag boy at the grocery store is always ready and able to carry out my one bag filled with a bottle of ketchup and a package of toilet paper? Why is he usually nowhere to be found when I have a year’s supply of groceries in my cart?
Number 2. Why is it that people in front of me in the drive-thru at the bank insist on performing complicated transactions from their front seat? Are they applying for a loan? Do they have to count their pennies in the car?
Number 3. What’s the deal with all of that childproof safety stuff? Don’t the makers of all these products realize that I can’t get into most of them unless my child does it for me?
Number 4. Why is that only certain technology will lower in price the longer it is available. For example, there is a DVD player at Wal-mart only twice as much as a bucket of chicken from KFC. Why don’t cars do the same thing? Why do cars go up in price? By my calculations I should be able to go out today and buy a Buick for around $19.95.
Number5. Why is it that when I have to get up earlier than my usual wake up time I spend all night long watching the alarm clock because I’m afraid it isn’t going to go off?
Number 6. How come celebrities gush over each other’s movies like they are performing brain surgery? Pleeaase! It’s entertainment!
Number 7. Why are little boys almost always obsessed with body parts or potty talk? A friend and I were discussing this the other day. I spend the entire day talking about all sorts of wholesome stuff, but mentioned the ‘pee pee’ word and my three-year-old giggles hysterical then proceeds to repeat it to everyone he meets.
Number 8. Why do men insist on saving every item of clothing they have worn since junior year or High School? My husband has a t-shirt from his freshmen year of college (20 years ago) that he still insists on wearing. It is now translucent.
Number 9. Why is it that without fail I can never find a replacement for my favorite pair of pants that has a big unfixable rip in the most inconvenient of places? Here is my dilemma. Do I continue on wearing the pants in hopes that no one will ever get a flash of my hot pink drawers? That brings me to my next point.
Number 10. Why do some of the most recognized makers of unmentionables insist on make plus -size women’s underwear with leg holes so wide I could put two or three legs through them?
Number 11. Why is it that certain charities spend so much money and effort using telemarketers to raise their funds? Wouldn’t it be more practical to take the money you are paying the telemarketers and fund that particular charity? And what happened to just having a big bake sale or bizarre? Wouldn’t it be great? Most people would rather buy a loaf of banana bread than talk to a telemarketer. In fact, most people would rather pull out their eyeteeth than talk to a telemarketer. (I apologize if I have offended any telemarketers unduly.)
Number 12. Why is that the government never has enough money and some politicians complain that they need more of our money. I have a great idea. Let’s do like The Arnold did in California and have a big government garage sale. Why hadn’t anyone thought of that before? In fact, let’s take it a step further. The Federal government could have a garage sale and a bake sale in conjunction. They could set up a big old tent smack dab in the middle of the Mall in Washington, D.C. Maybe that way next time somebody wants to spend a whole lot of money saving the spotted snow pigeon in Alaska they could just sell off some stuff and there we go!
Number 13. Why is it that everyone feels the need to whine? Have you ever heard of a cursing jar? This is a practice in some homes that discourages any kind of cursing. Anytime a curse word is heard the party responsible has to drop a predetermined amount of money in a jar. I think I have the ultimate Federal Fundraiser. Instead of fining networks and organizations for lewd or slanderous actions, let's start charging those same organizations for whining. Every time somebody feels like they need to whine about something...they have to put $5.00 in the kitty. That way they still get to express themselves and help stimulate the economy at the same time.

Whew! That felt good. Now that I've said my piece I can go back to rolling my eyes anytime someone feels the need to whine. Meanwhile, I’ll continue to throw away my husband’s old college t-shirts into the trash one at a time in silent protest.


  1. I do not know where to begin. LOVE this! I am perplexed by all of your points too. I refuse to wear anything from the 80's yet my husband forces me to look at 80's clothes daily. I think I should reorganize his closet by decades.
    The alarm clock. OMGoodness, you nailed it. Heaven forbid I need to get up early for a long road trip. I dutifully go to bed by 8/9:00 to be well rested, only to awaken every 4 minutes... What is that?
    Very funny!

  2. Hi Rebekah,

    I had to chuckle as I read your post. The government having a garage sale and bake sale is fabulous idea. Hmm, I wonder what the President would put in his garage sale and what the First Lady would bake?

    H.O.P.E. Home School Consulting


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