Thursday, October 18, 2012
Losing Myself: A Weight Loss Post
Do you ever have those weeks/months/days/years when everything in your life seems to whirl about nilly willy...with nary a thought to where it all might land?
This is my week/month/day/year. Not that anything is bad. On the contrary. Every day is a blessing. A gift from God. But, true to form (mine), I have filled my days with all kinds of busy. And busy isn't all good all the time. There are times I seem to lose myself. My level head. My sense of creativity. My sanity. My sense of self.
Whenever I feel stressed or overwhelmed it is tempting to resort to my "go-tos" for instant relief. A quick run by the thrift store. A potato chip. A book. And while all of those things are not bad things...they all can be harmful in one way or another if not practiced in moderation. Thrift stores are great. They are, in fact, Thrifty. But if one spends more money than they have or brings home trinkets to fill up an already crowded home..what then? A potato chip by itself if perfectly fine. But a whole bag full eaten for breakfast is a problem. And how about the book. I have a confession. Maybe I have confessed this before, but it's worth repeating. I have always been a veracious reader. Books have been and always will be some of my favorite friends and toys. Books and purses. And shoes. But I digress. With books I could be someone else or escape to another land or even another planet. Yep. Pure Geek. And I would devour books like Josiah devours a stack of pancakes. Which basically means I could read morning, noon and night. At one time my parents even limited my reading. What? What kind of parent would limit a child's reading? Well. The kind of parents who would like their child to pay attention to other things in life as well. Schoolwork, chores, conversation.
Even now I sometimes have to fight not to get lost again. Be it a good fried potato chip or a book (or 3). Because when I get lost in those things I seem to forget to pay attention to other things in my life. As I approach a 60 pound weight loss here is the question I have been asking myself over and over again. "How did I let myself gain all this weight to begin with? And how could I have just lived with this for so long?" Okay. That's technically 2 questions.
And before you reassure me that I had no control over some of this (as The Studly Muffin did when I posed this question to him) let me remind you that I am well aware of the uphill struggle I have found myself in these many years.There have been things that I have faced that have been scary and overwhelming and just plain Poo. I know. Not the most sophisticated terminology, but it fits. I have drowned it all in things that have allowed me to lose myself.
Sometimes I am frantic with impatience. I know myself. I am afraid that when things get tougher or when I need to escape the pain of my body or a stressful or overwhelming experience I will get lost again. There is a part of me that still feels trapped in my Fat Suit. I still remember what it was like to be petite. When I didn't have to hide behind my big dangly earrings and a ready smile. Or just stay home because the idea of meeting new people in my larger, more awkward body was humiliating. Who will I be when I am finally free? Will I have learned to take better care of myself? Will I still be the same slightly fruity, phlegmatic personality that has carried me through so much pain? I was in my early 20's the last time I weighed what I should. What will this body and this face look like at 40? It's exciting to think about...yet a bit scary.
Some days I have to give myself a little pep talk. I have to remind myself that in truth I am finding myself again. I am discovering who God intended me to be. I have to tell myself to hang in there. To not get discouraged with the lack of results or the slowness of a particular week in my weight loss journey. To understand that all of this is part of a bigger plan...And losing myself to find myself again might be what needed to happen all along.