Journal Entry (September 2022)

Note: For the next few posts, I am going to share several months' worth of posts or journal entries. I didn't post them at the time because I was stressed, uninspired and didn't think they were worth sharing. We can all get in our heads. 

I may or may not have mentioned before that there is a good chance I'm going through menopause. 

Yay! Way to start off the post, Beke. Let them know all of your secrets. To be honest there isn't any way I can hide it. One sweet lady asked me at church Wednesday night if I had been in the sun. 

Nope. Just had a major hot flash on the way over from the Parsonage. 

I'm fine. Really, I'm fine. 

This little milestone in my life isn't all there is to tell but I thought I would mention it just in case I seem particularly snarky. 

I posted last week that I have started my last semester of college. Pretty good for an old broad. In fact, one of the classes I am taking is called "Society and Aging." I just found out that I qualify for my Class Project. The Class Project is to interview and record someone over 50 about their life story. 

Say what? I can interview myself? Somehow I think that isn't going to work out. I'm going to use my momma as my subject. She should feel privileged considering almost everyone I know is over 50. 

Josiah is working at a local grocery store as a facer. He is so good at his job that he has a bad habit of "facing" shelves in other businesses. I caught him organizing the candy aisle the other day at the Dollar Tree. 

He has gotten in trouble for taking too much time "visiting" while he has supposed to be working. Considering the kid was homeschooled, I figure he's making up for lost time. I never had to issue a "talks too much to his classmates" note for home. 

It's tough being a pastor's kid and a young man in general in today's culture. Every day I pray that God reveals himself to my boy in a meaningful way. I pray that God sends people into his life that encourage him to make choices for himself that are healthy and inspired. If you are a praying person, could you help me in lifting our boy up? 

This season of life has brought sorrow in a variety of ways. We have lost members of our congregation in the past few months. We pastor an older congregation and Troy has certainly performed more funerals than weddings. Not only do we feel their loss in our lives but it also reminds us how fragile life is. 

I haven't spoken about this much but Troy has spent the last year traveling 2 1/2 hours from our home to stay with his parents at least  2-3 days a week. About this time last year, his momma had surgery on her spine. She had been gradually losing strength and mobility and we had hoped that the surgery would give her some much-needed relief. 

Basically, the surgery prevented her from becoming paralyzed, but her quality of life has not been great. She needs care 24/7. She is still at home and being cared for by Troy's dad, who also suffers from mobility issues. 

I can tell you that though Troy wouldn't have it any other way or do anything any differently, his life right now is complicated and stretching. There aren't many hours in his day that aren't accounted for. We have had to take moments unconventionally and sacrificially to spend much time together. 

Last week, he had obligations not only during the 4 days he was here at home but also had something going on every evening as well. He leaves every Wednesday night after Bible Study and comes home on Saturday mornings. 

Today when he got home (on Saturday) he swept the floor for me, spent a few minutes in the office, then went out with Josiah so they could spend some time together. When he got home, he received a call that we had lost one of our congregation members. He then spent the rest of the afternoon and most of the evening in the office before coming home for some supper and a little college football. 

I will tell you that our congregation has been wonderfully supportive. We have had friends in the community that we know are praying for us and for Troy's folks. 

It is also draining and heartbreaking and leaves him pulled in a million different directions. 

He doesn't begrudge it though. 

I, myself, have had a rougher year physically. Have I mentioned menopause? 

Mostly, I have had some really serious asthma issues and struggles with my blood pressure. Currently, I am doing well but I have my only little pharmaceutical operation going on. I try so hard to be good to myself. Some days I am better than others. The metal in my body has aged with me. So far so good but there are days when I can't walk as well as I'd like. 

It is easy to get wrapped up in the big picture or the end result. I have decided that small moments eventually make a difference in the big picture and that is what I must focus on. 

I make myself do at least one hour of schoolwork each morning.

I make myself take a little bit of time to make up a meal or two for myself ahead. Even if it is to put some leftovers in a container.

I make myself get out of the house and move even when my body and brain tell me it would be better just to go back to bed. 

It's not perfect. 

Currently, my life is a bit of a mess. 

I can't even get into my office. It is a little room off our bedroom that also contains my closet and vanity. I can tell myself all I want that I have just been wearing the same 4 outfits for convenience and comfort but the truth is it's too much trouble to crawl over boxes and bags of "who knows what." 

I need to give the house a good moping and there might be an unintended fungus growing in the tub and fridge. Real life sometimes is gross and impossible. I miss my parents and I miss feeling like I have life by the tail. 

One of the benefits of aging is understanding that life moves on. That one season is not like another. That we have to put to use what we've been given and find joy in each other....not our expectations.