Weight Loss Fail

This post was sooo hard to write.

In fact, I have written it a few times in my head before deciding that perhaps I didn't need to write it at all.

Make sense?

I feel like I have failed. I'm ashamed of myself.

I've told you before that one of my best coping mechanisms is that I am able to ignore unpleasantness around me if need be. I have a "happy place" and I'm not afraid to use it.

Unfortunately, that ability to block out the nasties also makes me more likely to not confront certain things in my life that need confronting.

The "nasty" in my life for sometime has been my weight.

A few years ago, I lost almost 80 pounds.

80 pounds.

I had the world in my pocket and this sense that I had finally figured out the secrets of the universe.

Then I had a 6 month long plateau. This is not uncommon in an extreme weight loss journey. I switched up my diet and exercise routine.

And then I gained a few pounds back. I didn't sweat it because I had just started taking a hormonal supplement for irregular cycles.

And I gained a few more pounds. I didn't sweat it because my clothes still fit.

After all, I'd get this under control. I talked to the doctor about my suspicions that my thyroid medication was not as effective. But...my levels were hunky dorry and there wasn't any need to change my medication.

I gained some more weight.And slowly started to cover my eyes. I didn't have the energy to think about it. We are preparing for a huge change in our lives. A move. A change in ministry and position.

When we finally got to Indiana my health took a serious nose dive.

And at my initial doctors visit here in my new state I was forced to confront my reality.

My clothes didn't fit because I had gained most of the weight back.

My blood sugars were frighteningly high and uncontrolled.

My blood pressure was at stroke level.

I was puffy, swollen, fatigued and sick.

For whatever reason I was back to a place I never...ever...wanted to venture again.

I do have a few take-a-ways from my current situation.

I HAVE to be my own advocate and my biggest cheerleader.

I HAVE to move...even when I don't feel like my body can handle it.

I HAVE to take control of what I put in my body. Nobody is going to do it for me.

So this is where I am now. I have a plan and I'm sticking to it.

I am slowly adding more activity back into my day. If you deal with chronic illness you understand how difficult this is at times.

A dear friend from church and I are going to start taking water aerobic classes at the local high school a few times a week. I know from past experience how beneficial the water is for me.

I can't even begin to tell you what a blessing this is.

The Muffin and Josiah are going to take turns walking with me. Walking is generally not as beneficial for me because I have a hard time handling longer distances. It puts more stress on my joints. However, it is a "step" in the right direction.

You do see that I made a funny right there.

The doctors have already placed me on a low sodium and low carb diet. I have taken it a step further by eliminating some things that might be causing increased inflammation and insulin levels.

I'll share as I go. It's hard but I've been through worse.

There is part of me that is still just a tad rebellious.

Why can't I be like other people and eat a french fry every once in a while without it making me swell up like a toad?

Why isn't there just a magic pill/easy cure that I can implement? Why does this have to be SO STINKIN' HARD?

I have a few ideas on this which I will try and share as my journey continues.

But here is where you come in.

You are my accountability partners. I have be forthcoming in my struggles. My tendency is to brew a cup of tea and grab a book when things get tough....which is still a perfectly healthy thing to do.

Don't feel like you have to comment or even read every post I write on weight loss. I just need this public platform to keep myself accountable.

I have found I tend to only want to talk about weight loss when I am succeeding. It's much harder to admit you have failed.

So that's enough right now. I've laid it all out there.

It's time to go take a little walk.