Lately, I've felt a bit misunderstood. I think most of us who deal with chronic illness feel this way from time to time. In my case, it is especially hard for me to talk about some of the things I suffer through.
I find that people become impatient with suffering. It makes them feel uncertain. I understand completely! We all have expectations for each other. Suffering makes us feel icky instead...no matter if we are the ones suffering or not!
For nearly the entirety of my adult life I have struggled with pain and chronic illness. I've had periods of time that I have been at death's door. Then I have other times that I have led an almost normal and productive life.
I mostly have learned to manage my pain without the aid of narcotics. I say "mostly" because there are simply times that I don't manage very well. Some days the extent of that management is not crying in front of you.
I try to mostly live every day with purpose and try to live a beautiful life....regardless of what comes my way. I say "mostly" because I do have days that I struggle to find purpose.
There is part of me that is waiting for you to get tired of me. You are going to grow impatient with my suffering. Even though I try not to complain, you are going to begin to wonder why husband requests prayer for me so often or why I have had to say "no" to certain things.
You might not know this, but I've been doing this a very. long. time.
I get weary from time to time.
Now that I've laid out all of my reasons for this wallowing in self-pity, I need to share my secret.
There are worse things than feeling pain.
There are worse things than feeling like you don't measure up.
There are worse things than feeling like no one understands what you are going through.
I can't look too far beyond my own experiences to find someone who is experiencing other things far worse.
I am a lucky, lucky girl. If you have stuck with me through these years of uncertain health I want you to know how much I love you.
The worst thing in life would be to have no one to walk with me through those bad days. The worst thing would for me to decide that I could do it all on my own. The worst thing would be for me shut myself off from those beautiful moments...how much I would miss!
You have told me that I'm beautiful when I feel anything but.
You have made me feel like I am more than this broken person.
You have seen potential in me when I can't see much more than my lack.
You have loved me through tears, temper tantrums and really bad days.
I do have some advice for those of you struggling with something in your life. Maybe you feel let down by life in general. Maybe you are having difficulty reconciling your expectations to your real life. Maybe, like me, you are experiencing poor health and just plain sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
For one...you need to give yourself some grace. You need to know that what you are experiencing right now is not the sum total of your existence. In other words..."this too shall pass." And here is the biggie....allow people to love on you. We need each other. Speak life into your relationships. Never let a day go by where you don't tell someone you love them.
It is so tempting to fall into the trap of self-pity. I know. It is a trap that I find myself drawn to. But there comes a point where we all have to embrace those beautiful things in our lives. For some of you, that beautiful thing might be feel like just a glimmer or a spark...but grab a hold and don't let go.
Like any teacher with her salt, I have been giving myself a daily assignment. I have to find one thing each daily that makes me smile....a blessing I can point to or a scripture or Psalm that shines light on a dim situation.
I am always a bit relieved when I don't have to look to far for hope. I also have to remind myself, daily, that it's NOT ABOUT ME. That there are others in the world with far greater challenges and mountains to climb. And that we all have a story to share and a load to help carry.
Just know, my friends, that I love you.
Love you dearest Rebekah!
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